Okay everyone – I missed you yesterday! Yes, I have been busy with work and work and well – work!
I’m not complaining though…
I told myself that I would not write about my first EVER spin class on Wednesday out of fear of being completely embarrassed, but why the hell not - right?
Okay, (over-achiever over here!) I arrive first to the class and I am standing there by one of the bikes waaaay over in the corner at the very back WITH a padded seat. I am just standing and looking and looking some more and then I act like I am looking something up on my phone and FINALLY someone else walks in.
And then a few more people walk in and I just observe what they do. Several of them get on and off their chosen bikes and then begin to adjust the seats up and down and forward and backward. I get it! They are fitting the bike to their bodies – I can do this too. So here I am adjusting my bike seat – not knowing what the hell I’m doing but TOTALLY looking like I do and the instructor walks in.
The class begins…
The instructor tells us to sit up on the bike and just warm up our legs by peddling – I got this!
Then she says – bend at the hips and lean forward. Okay – ouch! Is my hoohah supposed to feel like this?! Maybe I didn’t lean right – so I’m over there wiggling on my seat like I have an itch that I can’t relieve trying desperately to get comfortable enough to continue– thank GOD I was in the back!
Then I heard the words – “Have you ever ridden before?”
I knew she was talking to me, but I didn’t want to look up – but I finally did and told her NO! "This is my first spin class." Good! We established that I looked like a wiggling idiot for a reason– I had an excuse now.
But in the back of my mind I’m thinking - she called me out! Now I have to prove to everyone that I am bad-azz like they are and try to do everything that they are doing better!
Here we go!
We are riding and riding and riding and I am begging to get to the part where you stand up so my butt will re-flate and my hoohah can have some much needed pressure relief! We get there – and boy was I wrong for wanting that!
The instructor is yelling “Climb that hill! – Push through it!” And all I want to do is push her off her bike!
Do you NOT see me over here pushing through the pain of only being able to feel my hurt crotch from the waist down lady!?
40 minutes into the workout I am struggling – BAD – to keep up with the mountain climbs and every time we stand up – I cringe when she tells us to sit back down and “go, go, go!” (I want to “GO” alright – go home, go back to work, go drown in a vat of wine and hide in my closet while icing down my crotch!) I’m expecting the “cool down” part any minute and then she says “one more mountain climb section and we can cool down!”
WHAT?!
WHAT?!
I turned to the girl next to me and asked in a desperate “please don’t answer wrong” plea of “Is this an hour class?” Of course she smiled and said “Yes.”
NO! NO! NO!
I’m praying to the Tampax Gods to bring me several heavy overnight diaper-looking pads so my vajayjay could last the next 15 minutes! I even contemplated rolling up my towel and sitting on it but that wouldn’t have worked because we were up and down – up and down!
I was giving it my all that last 15 minutes - my boobs were bouncing uncontrollably and I was moving probably a little more from side to side than it was beneficial because the instructor kept saying “you shouldn’t be bouncing in your seat – keep your movements controlled – waist forward.”
I knew she was talking to me – but "screw you lady! I’m surviving the only way I know how!"
FINALLY it’s over and I don’t want to get off my bike! I’m afraid that my legs weren’t going to hold me up. When most everyone had left the room, I finally descended and walked very slowly and bow-legged to the women’s dressing room where I collapsed on the bench thanking God that was over.
By 8pm that night my hoohah was still throbbing and when I told Mr. Strong that “it” was hurt – he kindly remarked “well it’s not from me – I didn’t do it!”
Thank you Mr. Strong for dismissing my pain in retaliation from you “not getting any” the night before – you horny ass-tard!
It’s been two days and my crotch still hurts – I think I’m permanently bruised.
I do have to admit the part where sweat was dripping from my eyeballs and my shirt was soaking wet was kind of nice. It was a good workout in that sense, but it is going to be a while before my hoohah recovers!
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