I’m sad.
I’m a little depressed.
I’m a little numb.
I am actually kicking myself in the ass for gaining 11 – now 12 pounds when I was doing so well.
I think I self-sabotaged because I was a little afraid of the success and happiness that I was beginning to feel.
Unfortunately, there are no two ways about it – my 12lb gain SUCKS!
It sucks little tiny Seahorse dingalings because the giant riding Horse dingdongs would be too easy!
I took a risk and committed to promising myself that I would no longer stand in my own way and guess what?
Wake-up Call!!!!!
I succeeded and then failed miserably!
There’s nothing fun about tripping over my own “Drill Sergeant” ego and falling flat on my ass!
NOTHING.
I could beat myself up about it a little more and wallow in my self-pity, but then I wouldn’t be able to stand myself! I would have to eventually look in the mirror and shout out loud “GET OVER IT! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND GET BACK ON TRACK – NOW – GO RUN!”
You see, someone once said that the only true failure in life is in not trying. And let me tell you I tried! I tried successfully and then I tried unsuccessfully, but you know what I can hide away in my now larger sized jean pockets? That I KNOW it can be done.
I have no excuses except for the ones that I allow myself to give power to, and well? those just aren’t cutting it anymore!
I jumped on the wagon all gung-ho to prove a point to everyone and myself - I rode that pony for awhile and then I watched in slow motion as I bounced my big ass right off onto the ground with a thud!
And now? I am rubbing my head, wondering what the hell went wrong. But instead of waiting on the answer to come, I am chasing that freaking wagon down the road, burning calories ready to hop back on!
I’m not sure if I will have time to work out today, but I have realized something that I was trying very hard to suppress: I have the mornings.
If I am not promised the lunch or afternoon workouts – I always have the mornings.
Yep – the 5am timeslot is calling my name again. That is the solution to my “work out” problems, but I kept trying to avoid it like the plague hoping something else would present itself. But nothing has…
I have an extra 12lbs and I am out of excuses.
Moreover, I am out of self-pity. I can't stand myselft - I want to get in my own face and scream "I HEAR THE BITCHING, BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT IT!!!!!???"
On that note: I leave you all today with the encouragement to continue on your journeys and know that you can do anything you set out to do – even if you fall off the wagon and are being humped by a stray dog – you can pull yourself together and chase that mother-effing wagon down!
“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places.” Earnest Hemingway
UPDATE: Added the following video for Brandy! MUAH!
Temper Tantrum Tuesday
So yesterday you all read that I couldn’t work out on my lunch break because I had to take Kitty to the dentist. When we were done, I asked her where she wanted to eat. Of course she responded with “Olive Garden” – why the hell not, right? The mood I was in needed some carbs to help increase my 11lbs gain – whatever – I was depressed. (I know that is no excuse…)
Anywhoozle, while we were sitting at our table this couple was seated behind us. I couldn’t tell if they were maybe friends or meeting for a first lunch date, because of the way she was talking to him. She was a decent build – not too thin, not too skinny and he was what I would call a “muscle head.” Muscles and veins popping out everywhere…
This is what Kitty and I heard:
Girl: “I can’t believe you eat here! There are so many carbs and a ton of fat in every plate!”
Guy: “Yeah, but it taste really good.”
Girl: “I just can’t order anything off this menu.”
Guy: “okay, you want to go somewhere else?”
Girl: “No, that’s okay – ummm – waiter? I can’t eat any of these items on your menu. Can I create my own plate? Yes? Okay, I want a grilled chicken breast – no butter – and steamed veggies. Just charge me what you think is fair since this is not on your menu.”
Guy: “I want the 5-cheese Ziti and please bring the salad dry with the dressing on the side – she doesn’t eat dressing. Also, can you put cheese on my salad plate and not on the salad that I’m going to share with her?”
Kitty and I laughed about it this for a minute. This couple was extreme opposites, but the way that she ordered her food had this pompous tone behind it – like the waiter was in second grade.
We talked about her order for a minute and then I told Kitty that maybe she had lost 100lbs or maybe she had weight loss surgery or whatever the reason – that girl definitely had discipline.
(Something we should have been exercising a lot more of – especially after writing my post yesterday!)
Kitty looked at her plate of pasta and said, “well at least I am going to be playing tennis for 2-1/2 hours later! I will work off the calories.”
She said this with a little bit of guilt in her voice and I told her that yes indeed, she would be working off the calories so not to fret over her meal.
Then, a shock of lightening went through my head and down to my feet – Oh SHIT! - I realized that I WOULD NOT be working those calories off and wanted to remove myself from the table and go throw up!
Seriously people! How can I bitch about gaining 11lbs and then find myself in Olive Garden eating Chicken Scampi and making fun of someone who is very disciplined in her food choices while garlic butter runs down my chin!
WTF is wrong with me?!!!
Depression? Hell yes!
Insanity? Well of course!
Hypocrisy? 100% without a doubt!
Shish!
I had a glass of wine for dinner and a long hot bubble bath with a good book last night.
This morning I felt different. I reminded myself that I couldn’t change what has happened in the past; I can only change what I want to here in the now! This moment! What was I going to do about my 11lbs?
You guessed it! I packed my gym bag, so that I could work out at lunch.
Body Pump?
Spin?
5 Miles?
Hell yes! Bring it all on! Oatmeal for breakfast and I am ready to conquer this “bitch”!
About 10am I get a text from Kitty that reads:
“Mom, I have a tennis match today at 4. I need you to bring me water and my uniform. Sorry, I didn’t know I was playing.”
I sat there for a few minutes asking myself: Really? Really? REALLY!!!!!!?????
FUUUUUUUUUU#$%^^%^&^&& - commence the temper tantrum!
I can’t catch a break! Why you ask? Because in order for me to be able to leave work at 3:30, so I can stop by the store to get her water, go home and get her uniform and then make it to her game by 4 – I mostly have to work through lunch.
Oh, and it doesn't stop here!
While Kitty starts playing her matches at 4, sometime after that, I will have to pick up Kiki from Cross Country practice at 5:30, drive across town to pick up Doodlebug by 6:30 and then make it make to watch Kitty’s final match – when everything starts winding down around 8pm we will get home, I will fix supper, help Kiki with her mounds of math homework, help Kitty with her homework and somehow get everyone bathed (or not) and off to bed.
I might be able to meditate before going to bed, but one thing is certain – I will not get a workout in today.
But, I am not defeated – a little depressed – but not defeated!
Tomorrow is a new day and my gym bag is still packed!
Anywhoozle, while we were sitting at our table this couple was seated behind us. I couldn’t tell if they were maybe friends or meeting for a first lunch date, because of the way she was talking to him. She was a decent build – not too thin, not too skinny and he was what I would call a “muscle head.” Muscles and veins popping out everywhere…
This is what Kitty and I heard:
Girl: “I can’t believe you eat here! There are so many carbs and a ton of fat in every plate!”
Guy: “Yeah, but it taste really good.”
Girl: “I just can’t order anything off this menu.”
Guy: “okay, you want to go somewhere else?”
Girl: “No, that’s okay – ummm – waiter? I can’t eat any of these items on your menu. Can I create my own plate? Yes? Okay, I want a grilled chicken breast – no butter – and steamed veggies. Just charge me what you think is fair since this is not on your menu.”
Guy: “I want the 5-cheese Ziti and please bring the salad dry with the dressing on the side – she doesn’t eat dressing. Also, can you put cheese on my salad plate and not on the salad that I’m going to share with her?”
Kitty and I laughed about it this for a minute. This couple was extreme opposites, but the way that she ordered her food had this pompous tone behind it – like the waiter was in second grade.
We talked about her order for a minute and then I told Kitty that maybe she had lost 100lbs or maybe she had weight loss surgery or whatever the reason – that girl definitely had discipline.
(Something we should have been exercising a lot more of – especially after writing my post yesterday!)
Kitty looked at her plate of pasta and said, “well at least I am going to be playing tennis for 2-1/2 hours later! I will work off the calories.”
She said this with a little bit of guilt in her voice and I told her that yes indeed, she would be working off the calories so not to fret over her meal.
Then, a shock of lightening went through my head and down to my feet – Oh SHIT! - I realized that I WOULD NOT be working those calories off and wanted to remove myself from the table and go throw up!
Seriously people! How can I bitch about gaining 11lbs and then find myself in Olive Garden eating Chicken Scampi and making fun of someone who is very disciplined in her food choices while garlic butter runs down my chin!
WTF is wrong with me?!!!
Depression? Hell yes!
Insanity? Well of course!
Hypocrisy? 100% without a doubt!
Shish!
I had a glass of wine for dinner and a long hot bubble bath with a good book last night.
This morning I felt different. I reminded myself that I couldn’t change what has happened in the past; I can only change what I want to here in the now! This moment! What was I going to do about my 11lbs?
You guessed it! I packed my gym bag, so that I could work out at lunch.
Body Pump?
Spin?
5 Miles?
Hell yes! Bring it all on! Oatmeal for breakfast and I am ready to conquer this “bitch”!
About 10am I get a text from Kitty that reads:
“Mom, I have a tennis match today at 4. I need you to bring me water and my uniform. Sorry, I didn’t know I was playing.”
I sat there for a few minutes asking myself: Really? Really? REALLY!!!!!!?????
FUUUUUUUUUU#$%^^%^&^&& - commence the temper tantrum!
I can’t catch a break! Why you ask? Because in order for me to be able to leave work at 3:30, so I can stop by the store to get her water, go home and get her uniform and then make it to her game by 4 – I mostly have to work through lunch.
Oh, and it doesn't stop here!
While Kitty starts playing her matches at 4, sometime after that, I will have to pick up Kiki from Cross Country practice at 5:30, drive across town to pick up Doodlebug by 6:30 and then make it make to watch Kitty’s final match – when everything starts winding down around 8pm we will get home, I will fix supper, help Kiki with her mounds of math homework, help Kitty with her homework and somehow get everyone bathed (or not) and off to bed.
I might be able to meditate before going to bed, but one thing is certain – I will not get a workout in today.
But, I am not defeated – a little depressed – but not defeated!
Tomorrow is a new day and my gym bag is still packed!
Melancholy Monday
Does anyone know the secret of how to “live” life when you are pulled in a hundred different directions because of family & work obligations? I mean really?
I have been trying since the beginning of summer and I seem to be falling further and further behind since school started – especially in my workouts.
And my writing…my writing is therapy for me, and for some reason my sanity seems to be coming in third to everything else! I am working on this too – I promise!
I confess today that my mood stems from me finally getting on the scale this morning! Yep – I couldn’t take it anymore - I had to see how much weight I have gained. After trying on SIX pairs of pants this morning, my clothes are no longer just the indication that I need to cut down – they are screaming at me “I don’t fit you! Quit trying to suck in and buckle me! You are hurting me!” (No my clothes don’t talk, but I’m sure that is what they would say to me if they could!)
11 pounds – that is the result. ELEVEN freaking pounds!
I have officially fallen off the wagon and I am ashamed. I am ashamed because I know that I am a better person than the one that was looking back at me in the mirror this morning. I know that I committed and resolved to have a better body and to quit standing in my own way this year – and I can’t explain how it happened. I am ashamed and I feel like a fraud, because I preach this stuff every day –hell! I am a Certified Personal Trainer! I KNOW what it takes to keep a healthy weight – I KNOW what it takes to work hard and accomplish the impossible – I KNOW how it feels to be so self-conscious that you don’t want your husband of 18 years to see you naked!
And yet…
I lost focus…
I lost motivation…
I lost myself…
A really good virtual friend of mine MrsFatass has been asked to “audition” for ABC’s new show “the Revolution” and I hope she makes it through! Go read about it here! I want to see her every ?day on TV and watch her succeed!
The show is about busy, working parents that need to lose 50 – 100 lbs while continuing their day-to-day obligations. There is no “time-out” in this show. This show will show you that you can lose the weight while you live your busy life.
I wish I could be on this show! Just so that I could learn how to manage this objective! Fortunately, I don’t have 50-100lbs to lose (only 40 now that I have gained 11 back!), but unfortunately for the viewers, my busy schedule would be the epitome of what “busy” is and the potential to overcome any doubts that this “stuff” really works and is possible!
In mystupidity urgency to fit into my work clothes this week, I decided last week that I will start back my daily workouts. This hit me last Tuesday, so Wednesday I went to a BodyPump class on my lunch break. I sweat and sweat and it felt great!
So great in fact that I decided I would take another one on Thursday! That class was fun! I increased my weight loads, I sweat and again it felt great! Friday I had to cut my workout short to go pick Kiki up from school, so I was only able to run 3 miles.
Saturday morning I woke up and could barely move! From my shoulders to my calves – I hurt. It actually hurt to sit down and pee because my thighs were on fire! So, I didn’t get any exercise in Saturday or yesterday and I feel like crap now! I feel like crap because my clothes don’t fit – I feel like crap because I knew better!
I know better!
I was going to go to another class on my lunch break today, but I have to take Kitty to the dentist. After work is Kiki’s Cross Country practice, Kitty’s Tennis Practice and maybe I can fit in a late evening workout.
(Which I hate – I hate working out in the evenings – the late rush of adrenaline keeps me up at night – I guess I better change my perspective and attitude towards late workouts – Law of Attraction right?)
I was happiest the summer before last where I was dragging the girls out of bed at 5am and running. We would have breakfast at home and I was able to write almost every day. What changed? The girls went back to school and I have been searching for that undivided attention to myself, since.
The reality is, my schedule, my time, my life has been put on hold because the girls, Doodlebug, Mr. Strong, our home, my work and whatever else that arises comes first.
My psychoanalysis: I let it – I let it because it is a socially acceptable excuse that everyone understands and accepts without question.
There is no quick fix here – ask my still aching ass muscles!
But, I have acknowledged my problem and am working on it…
Today I write it out – in this moment I am applying therapy that I know has worked in the past.
I designed a class here locally for people that want to Learn to Run. It’s a 5k, 5 days a week for 5 weeks. It would start next Monday and end the day before a really good 5k race. I would be the instructor and the class could run the 5k as a group to show the world that they were able to find a finish line that included achieving something they never thought was possible. The timing, the concept and the weather is perfect!
There’s only one problem – I haven’t figured out how (or haven’t had time to figure out how) to build a small website where people can go to download the waivers/releases and pay. I only have this week/weekend to advertise and I can’t seem to GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY! I feel like I am not good enough and I feel like I am a fraud – because I KNOW that this will help so many people find the confidence to continue running and living a healthier lifestyle – and yet I can’t get my shit together to get it started!
The longer I delay – the less perfect the timing is – it needs to start next Monday!
I feel like the stars are aligning, the Universe is on my side and Mother Nature is telling me “it’s time” and all I can think about is that I am scared to take that first step towards a life that I know I am meant to have.
All because I gained 11 pounds.
I have been trying since the beginning of summer and I seem to be falling further and further behind since school started – especially in my workouts.
And my writing…my writing is therapy for me, and for some reason my sanity seems to be coming in third to everything else! I am working on this too – I promise!
I confess today that my mood stems from me finally getting on the scale this morning! Yep – I couldn’t take it anymore - I had to see how much weight I have gained. After trying on SIX pairs of pants this morning, my clothes are no longer just the indication that I need to cut down – they are screaming at me “I don’t fit you! Quit trying to suck in and buckle me! You are hurting me!” (No my clothes don’t talk, but I’m sure that is what they would say to me if they could!)
11 pounds – that is the result. ELEVEN freaking pounds!
I have officially fallen off the wagon and I am ashamed. I am ashamed because I know that I am a better person than the one that was looking back at me in the mirror this morning. I know that I committed and resolved to have a better body and to quit standing in my own way this year – and I can’t explain how it happened. I am ashamed and I feel like a fraud, because I preach this stuff every day –hell! I am a Certified Personal Trainer! I KNOW what it takes to keep a healthy weight – I KNOW what it takes to work hard and accomplish the impossible – I KNOW how it feels to be so self-conscious that you don’t want your husband of 18 years to see you naked!
And yet…
I lost focus…
I lost motivation…
I lost myself…
A really good virtual friend of mine MrsFatass has been asked to “audition” for ABC’s new show “the Revolution” and I hope she makes it through! Go read about it here! I want to see her every ?day on TV and watch her succeed!
The show is about busy, working parents that need to lose 50 – 100 lbs while continuing their day-to-day obligations. There is no “time-out” in this show. This show will show you that you can lose the weight while you live your busy life.
I wish I could be on this show! Just so that I could learn how to manage this objective! Fortunately, I don’t have 50-100lbs to lose (only 40 now that I have gained 11 back!), but unfortunately for the viewers, my busy schedule would be the epitome of what “busy” is and the potential to overcome any doubts that this “stuff” really works and is possible!
In my
So great in fact that I decided I would take another one on Thursday! That class was fun! I increased my weight loads, I sweat and again it felt great! Friday I had to cut my workout short to go pick Kiki up from school, so I was only able to run 3 miles.
Saturday morning I woke up and could barely move! From my shoulders to my calves – I hurt. It actually hurt to sit down and pee because my thighs were on fire! So, I didn’t get any exercise in Saturday or yesterday and I feel like crap now! I feel like crap because my clothes don’t fit – I feel like crap because I knew better!
I know better!
I was going to go to another class on my lunch break today, but I have to take Kitty to the dentist. After work is Kiki’s Cross Country practice, Kitty’s Tennis Practice and maybe I can fit in a late evening workout.
(Which I hate – I hate working out in the evenings – the late rush of adrenaline keeps me up at night – I guess I better change my perspective and attitude towards late workouts – Law of Attraction right?)
I was happiest the summer before last where I was dragging the girls out of bed at 5am and running. We would have breakfast at home and I was able to write almost every day. What changed? The girls went back to school and I have been searching for that undivided attention to myself, since.
The reality is, my schedule, my time, my life has been put on hold because the girls, Doodlebug, Mr. Strong, our home, my work and whatever else that arises comes first.
My psychoanalysis: I let it – I let it because it is a socially acceptable excuse that everyone understands and accepts without question.
There is no quick fix here – ask my still aching ass muscles!
But, I have acknowledged my problem and am working on it…
Today I write it out – in this moment I am applying therapy that I know has worked in the past.
I designed a class here locally for people that want to Learn to Run. It’s a 5k, 5 days a week for 5 weeks. It would start next Monday and end the day before a really good 5k race. I would be the instructor and the class could run the 5k as a group to show the world that they were able to find a finish line that included achieving something they never thought was possible. The timing, the concept and the weather is perfect!
There’s only one problem – I haven’t figured out how (or haven’t had time to figure out how) to build a small website where people can go to download the waivers/releases and pay. I only have this week/weekend to advertise and I can’t seem to GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY! I feel like I am not good enough and I feel like I am a fraud – because I KNOW that this will help so many people find the confidence to continue running and living a healthier lifestyle – and yet I can’t get my shit together to get it started!
The longer I delay – the less perfect the timing is – it needs to start next Monday!
I feel like the stars are aligning, the Universe is on my side and Mother Nature is telling me “it’s time” and all I can think about is that I am scared to take that first step towards a life that I know I am meant to have.
All because I gained 11 pounds.
 |
| Thanks to CA - I look foward to sunrises again... |
Update
I am still here!
Hello?
Anyone out there?
Sorry I left for 2 weeks without a warning!
Shame on me!
I am working on an actual post to publish...this isn't it...
For now, the first two weeks of school have kicked my ass! I've been pulled in all different directions at the same time and for the love of Zeus's butthole! will someone PLEASE tell my children that I am NOT superwoman!
Mmmkay?
Shish - already!
Hello?
Anyone out there?
Sorry I left for 2 weeks without a warning!
Shame on me!
I am working on an actual post to publish...this isn't it...
For now, the first two weeks of school have kicked my ass! I've been pulled in all different directions at the same time and for the love of Zeus's butthole! will someone PLEASE tell my children that I am NOT superwoman!
Mmmkay?
Shish - already!
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