Your rooms look like shit! I have spent the better part of 2 weeks trying to convince you two that your rooms were top priority every night to get cleaned with no luck.
I was at my wits end yesterday morning when I went through the house – after everyone had left – and realized that your rooms were still disaster areas from the night before. I spent numerous text messages bitching and griping and STILL your rooms were not done last night!
I explained that you two will consolidate back into one room, because I would rather have ONE room to worry about than TWO. I figure that the WHOLE room by yourselves must be too much work and trouble and I don’t want to burden you anymore than what you can handle. Regarding the instructions to consolidate into one room: I feel this way there will be TWO people in ONE room to help get it cleaned in HALF the time – right?
Last night, I refused to express any anger from the morning events and went about cooking and talking like nothing had happened. I waited to see if either one of you would do what I told you to about your rooms – and nothing. I guess you figured I was in a good mood, so you didn’t have to mind.
Last night was a TEST and YOU BOTH FAILED MISERABLY!!!
I shouldn’t have to be in constant Drill Sergeant Mode for either of you to mind me or believe my threats. Period!
So to Kitty…
…my darling sweet sixteen-year-old. You just had a birthday last week and are quite old enough to drive and have a little freedom, but you have failed to ONCE get your chores done since we handed over the keys to the HUMMMER. In my pre-happiness that you were finally old enough to handle your own schedule and drive yourself places, I failed as a parent to recognize that apparently you are not mature enough to handle freedom AND your chores. My bad…
So let me help you out. When you get back tonight you will park the HUMMER in the garage and you will not drive it until you prove that you are mature enough to handle and appreciate the extremely generous gift your father and I have provided you! I want to help you help yourself, so by taking away the HUMMER, I am helping you realign back to what is important to OUR household – getting your chores done!
But my love as a parent doesn’t stop there. I see that you have two classes where your current average is below what is acceptable in our household. As you know, your grades come first even before your chores, and neither is being done to my standards. So, I have happily canceled all your private tennis lessons and practice this week in order to assist you in what should be most important in your life. I can see the weight of driving on your own, cleaning your room and doing your homework is a trifecta of burdens that you can’t handle at once.
Oh no, no, there’s no need to thank me. I am doing this for you in hopes that you will learn to appreciate what your father and I work our ass off to provide and that one day you will wake up and realize that the greatest moments and achievements in life will always come to you with a little hard work and dedication. The price of teenage freedom comes in the form of cleaning your room and keeping your grades up. If the price is not paid – your freedom is repossessed!
It’s a simple lesson in life to learn.
You will thank me later.
Now to Kiki…
…my dearest, kindest thirteen-year-old. Let me begin by asking, why the hell was I called to come take you a polo shirt to school today?! Was it a surprise this morning that after 2 years of wearing uniforms to school that you HAD TO WEAR A UNIFORM TO SCHOOL TODAY?!
Ummm. No words…
Your room is even worse than Kitty’s. For the entire summer you were gone, that room stayed spotless. You CAN NOT BLAME Doodlebug! It appears that you have too much shit. I will be happy to help you load up trash bags full of clothes, toys and makeup to give to another child, whom I’m certain would greatly appreciate the abundance you have been afforded.
Why does your room seem to get worse the more you try to clean it? You keep making piles and moving those piles around and finally you end up with several piles of what? Where the freak does it come from?! I can only assume you took the sheets and blankets off the bed in order to get ready for Kitty to move in with you, but seriously – WTF?!
I know you do your homework in your room and I can’t gripe about you being a straight A student, but I can’t help but notice that your TV is very distracting when it comes to cleaning your room. I have passed your room on numerous occasions to find you sitting your ass on one of the beds watching TV. You have been working on this room for TWO freaking weeks!
I tell you what, I know that between Choir and Tennis and homework and your chores, it is very stressful for you. I am going to help you too. I will be taking your TV out of your room and I have cheerfully canceled all of your private tennis lessons this week too. Because I can’t take away a car you don’t have, I can explain to you the benefits of exercising.
Now, I know you have been complaining about being tired and you think that your room is dirty because of someone – anyone – else, but I am here to tell you today that this week, you will be running 3 miles every day after school. Exercise creates energy and endorphins to help with your complaints and concerns. You are worth my time and effort and what kind of parent would I be if I didn’t address your grievances head-on! I love you and would never want to see you needlessly suffer from lack of energy or accountability.
Tonight, I expect you both to cohabitate peacefully. I have no problems sticking your asses on a mattress out in the garage – seriously – I don’t want to hear your frustrations at me taken out on each other.
I write this email with love. You WILL learn that you two have a life that most kids dream of – never take it for granted – because the Drill Sergeant in me has no qualms about setting your ass straight!
(After looking at your pictures, I'm pretty sure it has been a rule since BIRTH that you are not allowed to eat or drink in your rooms!)
ALL of your choices in your lives have positive or negative consequences. YOU are the only one that can make that choice for YOU. You are the only one that can decide to live easily with abundance in exchange for a few minutes of hard work and dedication, OR you can be grounded until you leave for college.
I think the decision is a no brainer – but hey? I can’t make it for you…
