Yesterday the Universe threw a book at me, so I took the time to read it last night. Every. Word. And you know what? I’m glad I did! More to come on the book’s topic, but in the mean time – GO GET IT!
It was mentioned yesterday that I should be a full time writer and should be publishing my posts weekly and well? I don’t disagree! One day I will get paid for a weekly column outside of my blog, so if anyone out there is looking for a part-time weekly columnist – I’m your gal!
Well, maybe…
Let’s see…
First, I would have to name my column. I think a weekly Dose of Reality would work! That’s actually kind of a perfect name! It’s probably taken, but who gives a shit? This is fantasy right now.
I mean, NOTHING says Dose of Reality like the experience of having your toddler shit in the yard next to your truck while you’re outside visiting with company! I have your reality right here...
Anywhoozle. What would my column be about you ask? That’s a great question. Let’s run through some topics.
Raising Children:
Ummm? Probably not! My personal experience only goes through the age of 16 and well? My advice might not be very well received.
Dear Dose of Reality,
My daughter has started talking back to me, blah, blah, blah.
Dear Reader,
Take her by surprise and POP her in the mouth while shouting NO! NO! NO! BAD! BAD! You know, just like you do to a teething puppy. The puppy learns – being the more intelligent species, so should she.
See what I mean? …might not be well received.
Moving on.
Domestic Maintenance: (AKA: House cleaning)
Ummmm? That would be a Hell NO! Have you read lately how much I love my maid!? Household cleaning is not and never will be my forte.
Dear Dose of Reality,
How do you remove the built up , stuck on grease and food from the stove trays under my burners?
Dear Reader,
Buy new ones. If they aren’t the removable kind, then buy a new stove.
I’m pretty sure I won’t be getting any calls to write a cleaning column.
Next topic?
Cooking:
Ummm? That would be a holy shit – fuck NO! My column would be a plagiarizer’s wet dream!
Dear Dose of Reality,
What is the best way to cook a Thanksgiving Turkey?
Dear Reader,
Furrs Cafeteria. If they are closed then my Google search says that Rachel Ray prefers this recipe…
Yep. A Cooking column is out.
So what’s left?
Travel:
Hell to the YES! Pay me (my family) to stay in 5-star hotels and travel the world. I will write you the most delicious, juicy, and very descriptive columns you have ever set your eyes on. I will be happy to relive every minute detail of my good times, good food and overall stay – or of the actual travel destination – whichever you prefer.
Sex:
Ummm? Fuck YEAH! I could sooooo write a sex column! I could answer almost everyone’s questions! Because I’m a FREEEEEAAAAAK! I would never get bored with that kind of column. Of course my exceptionally well descriptive writing (although not properly written according the English language rules) might have people jacking-off in bathrooms, so that could be a small problem.
Law of Attraction:
There would be NO ONE BETTER! Hell, I’ve lived and am trying to live every day by its rules. I have no problem telling people that like attracts like! I have no problem inspiring and motivating people to become the best they can possibly dream to be! I also don’t have a problem with telling people to shut the fuck up with all their negativity and to look in the mirror at the source problem! But I would
toooootally write that is a nice, none cursing way.
So there you go world!
I’m for hire!
(Note: I'm trying to hit 500k page views, so please forward and share! Many, many thanks!)
(Disclosure: I do not condone anyone to hit children. Do not take any advice literally – this is an entertainment BLOG only and not a platform on how you should live! The fact that I have to write this – in America – is truly sad!)
