...lying to myself

This post has taken me hours to start and finish. I cannot express how bittersweet the words that follow are to my heart.

I’ve been fighting depression pretty severely. A lot of it has to do with my weight.

Six weeks ago, they started a Biggest Loser Competition at my work. And of course I signed up. My starting weight was 224.6lbs! WHAT THE Fuhhh!!!

I couldn’t believe it. I kept telling myself that 40lbs must have been my boots, coat and the end of day water retention. There was no way that effing scale was correct.

I went home that night - after I sat in my car and cried for 45 minutes - and ate like it was my last meal and drank a BOTTLE of wine. Ok maybe two bottles. I kept going over and over why all of a sudden I weighed a number that I never thought was possible in my lifetime.

I knew I was gaining weight because I couldn’t fit into any of my clothes. My wardrobe became large coats, leggings and tunic shirts/dresses. Thank God it was winter and my wardrobe fit right in with the weather!

Depression set in and I had been ignoring myself for months.

The very next morning, I got on the scale – hung-over. This is what it screamed back at me.

 

I sat on the edge of the bed and cried again - 222.2lbs! I officially weighed more than my husband.

He wouldn’t care, he doesn’t care. He’s the type of man that would love me no matter what I weighed as long as I was happy and confident. He’s one in a million and I’ve pushed him away because I am embarrassed.

I’m embarrassed because I. Know. Better.

I let every excuse into my life. EVERY EXCUSE. Ironically, the next few days at work we were put on Biggest Loser teams and we needed to come up with a team name. I didn’t hesitate to offer my opinion and TEAM NO EXCUSES was born.

 

 

It’s been 6 weeks and I’ve lost 24lbs!

As I stepped on the scale this morning I realized that if it wasn’t for my team and the support that I have been giving and getting, I would have let the depression take over and would be sitting here at probably 240lbs!

I’m still depressed, but I’m consciously aware of it and I’m taking the right mental attitude to slowly draw me out.  This has been my mantra over the last couple weeks.

 

 

I never thought I would have the courage to post my weight on here, but if I don’t hold myself accountable for my depression, bad choices and unhealthy lifestyle, then no one will. I can no longer keep lying to myself. These pictures are my reality, no matter which words come out of my mouth. I can’t ignore my health problems and I can’t keep being pissed off at the world because I’ve manifested my own unhappiness!

 I’m a work in progress…for the better.

 Six weeks ago, my weight had me crying and drinking wondering what the hell happened. Today my weight is bittersweet because although I absolutely hated weighing in at 224.6lbs!!!!!! I feel grateful for the wake-up call that is my life. And as much as I loved seeing that 198lb mark on the scale today, I have to bid it adieu too.

Back when I started blogging I was trying to lose weight and get healthier. I weighed 178lbs! That puts things into perspective for me. I was 20lbs lighter and I still thought I was fat. Boy has my head been screwed up!

All in all I am grateful. I am grateful because one day soon, when I start personal training again I can honestly say to my clients “I’ve been there” (“and there, and there, and there!”) – Oh and I’m grateful that I no longer weigh more than my husband! WooHoo!

 

  

A night out.

I write in my head ALL. THE. TIME.

I wish there were a wireless device that could be attached to my head and automatically write out my thoughts to words and create & upload my blog posts electronically for me. That would be great. I would probably have 3 posts a day!

It’s no secret that here in K World we eat out A LOT!

So today, I invite you to experience  dinner with my family...in pictures.

We'll start off with wrestling and playing in the waiting area.

 

 

Look at me mom...I'm being good! I didn't just throw sushi at my th'isters!

 

 

Followed by: Seeeeee??? I'm being good. (He doesn't realize that daddy can't protect him from my anger!)

Dinner wouldn't be complete without a snowman.

 

And fire! BYE-BYE snowman!

 

This is the face I get when I tell the girls that we need to go to the store afterwards and they know they have pissed me off with their whining and complaining.

 

 

 

 

So what follows is their payback for making them go to the store with me!

 

 

 

 

She informed me - VERY LOUDLY - that one was bigger than the other...

 

 

Yes there are people walking around everywhere and they are sword fighting with zucchini! I just snapped the picture like I was some bystander in the store that couldn't believe what I was seeing.

 

There's nothing like ending the night with penis shapped food being poked into your cheek.  This kid is VERY lucky I love her!

I couldn't take it anymore - I sent their asses to the car!

Ahhhh... memories....

 

I succeeded - but not with quantity.

Okay, here it is. The closet update. I got through it, I survived and I succeeded.

Well on everything but quantity.

I could not stick to the 45 items per category. I tried really REALLY hard.

But whatever - baby steps.

Here are my before pictures and you can see why it took several episodes of walking to my closet ready for work and then turning around very quickly and walking away.

It was overwhelming to say the least.

When I finally ventured in, I realized if this was going to be accomplished, I would need a strategy. So, I decided to start in the middle. Then slowly everything was moved into my living room to help give me working/cleaning room in my closet.

Yes, this really happened on Sunday afternoon.

These are just MY clothes people! So you can see why I was having trouble narrowing 7 categories down to 45 items a piece.

Even though I wasn't successful in quantity, I was successful in donating this pile of clothes that would have crushed Kade if it decided to avalanche near him! It was taller than my bar and 5 feet wide!

Look! It's much better! I mean I have 4 feet of cleared space just for my luggage now!

But alas! I now have a clean and de-cluttered closet that could still use some more work. The problem isn't all the way cured.

But that reality? might never be satisfied. I am currently looking for a new home with a bigger closet!

Oy!

Closet Weekend Warrior Update

I thought I would take a small minute to update everyone on my closet cleaning and de-cluttering necessity.

THIS SUCKS!

I'm on the verge of a panic attack.

I have only separated the non-hanging clothes and I have about a 100 pieces for each category - ALREADY!

I will keep pushing through - but I can't guarantee anything at this moment.

I hyperventilated...but I will just have to get over it.

You know how research shows that we only wear about 20% of the clothing we own? Well you can increase that amount for me up to at least 50-60% given the frequency in which I do laundry!  Sadly, I am not afraid to donate my clothes and often find myself ordering the girls to pack up 5 or 6 trash bags full of clothes I throw on the floor.

So what’s the problem?

 I am STILL busting at the seams and feel an overwhelming – out of control – energy EVERY time I walk into my closet. It’s beyond ridiculous!

 

I thought if I went through my 165 pairs of shoes and gave away over half of them I would be good since they tend to accumulate in piles on the floor. But NO! It hasn’t helped as much as I had hoped. It’s time to get serious about de-cluttering and simplifying my closet!

I posted on Facebook the request for someone – anyone – to give me a number from 1-100 and this would be my determining figure on how much of each category (tops, pants, athletic, jackets, t-shirts, pjs & dresses) to keep.

Well the first number that popped up was 5 – FIVE! For a minute I thought “okay – fuck this, never mind!” and then I received several more answers shortly afterward. So I have decided to average the answers and it has come out to 45. Okay, that is 45 items per category and there are 7 categories. That will give me, in theory, 315 pieces of clothing - TOTAL.

I hyperventilated a little bit, because last time I did laundry the girls counted how many shirt hangers and how many pant hangers I would need and the results were 182 and 85. MY LAUNDRY! I don’t know how long I waited in between washings, but I do know that my closet was still busting at the seams with clothes hanging up! If I had to guess how many pieces of clothing I owned, I would have to guess anywhere from 2-3 thousand - easy! So you can see why 315 pieces make me anxious.

But I will just have to get over it!

I need less stress and this will help me! And maybe I will create enough room that I can do yoga in my closet! It’s large and there’s enough space, but most important of all it’s QUIET!

My goal is to tackle it this weekend. If I succeed without having a nervous breakdown I will post before and after pics.

Do you wear all of the clothes you own?

the new design and you might find me hiding in my closet...

Wow! The new design is up and we finally took care of a few glitches with my links! WooHoo!

Jen over at Just Foolin Blog Designs is AWESOME!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

See all those buttons in the right hand corner? You can now follow me on all of those! Whew! Social media is exhausting! But I love it!

I went back to eating “mostly” raw and let me tell you – I am one of the most uncreative people out there when it comes to salad ideas. I love salad! The problem is I love the SAME salad and if I don’t extend my salad menu fast? Then you might find me hiding in my closet slurping down an extra-large, thin and crispy, 6-cheese pizza like it was water! Followed by dessert – a foot-long chili cheese dog with extra onions!

So to prevent the awful image I just gave everyone, I started Google-ing vegetarian salads. I didn’t realize how many variations of salad there are and well? Now I’m scared!

I promised myself that I would try a new salad EVERY day for at least 6 weeks oy! Wish me luck. If you know of any good vegetarian salads send them my way!