...lying to myself

This post has taken me hours to start and finish. I cannot express how bittersweet the words that follow are to my heart.

I’ve been fighting depression pretty severely. A lot of it has to do with my weight.

Six weeks ago, they started a Biggest Loser Competition at my work. And of course I signed up. My starting weight was 224.6lbs! WHAT THE Fuhhh!!!

I couldn’t believe it. I kept telling myself that 40lbs must have been my boots, coat and the end of day water retention. There was no way that effing scale was correct.

I went home that night - after I sat in my car and cried for 45 minutes - and ate like it was my last meal and drank a BOTTLE of wine. Ok maybe two bottles. I kept going over and over why all of a sudden I weighed a number that I never thought was possible in my lifetime.

I knew I was gaining weight because I couldn’t fit into any of my clothes. My wardrobe became large coats, leggings and tunic shirts/dresses. Thank God it was winter and my wardrobe fit right in with the weather!

Depression set in and I had been ignoring myself for months.

The very next morning, I got on the scale – hung-over. This is what it screamed back at me.

 

I sat on the edge of the bed and cried again - 222.2lbs! I officially weighed more than my husband.

He wouldn’t care, he doesn’t care. He’s the type of man that would love me no matter what I weighed as long as I was happy and confident. He’s one in a million and I’ve pushed him away because I am embarrassed.

I’m embarrassed because I. Know. Better.

I let every excuse into my life. EVERY EXCUSE. Ironically, the next few days at work we were put on Biggest Loser teams and we needed to come up with a team name. I didn’t hesitate to offer my opinion and TEAM NO EXCUSES was born.

 

 

It’s been 6 weeks and I’ve lost 24lbs!

As I stepped on the scale this morning I realized that if it wasn’t for my team and the support that I have been giving and getting, I would have let the depression take over and would be sitting here at probably 240lbs!

I’m still depressed, but I’m consciously aware of it and I’m taking the right mental attitude to slowly draw me out.  This has been my mantra over the last couple weeks.

 

 

I never thought I would have the courage to post my weight on here, but if I don’t hold myself accountable for my depression, bad choices and unhealthy lifestyle, then no one will. I can no longer keep lying to myself. These pictures are my reality, no matter which words come out of my mouth. I can’t ignore my health problems and I can’t keep being pissed off at the world because I’ve manifested my own unhappiness!

 I’m a work in progress…for the better.

 Six weeks ago, my weight had me crying and drinking wondering what the hell happened. Today my weight is bittersweet because although I absolutely hated weighing in at 224.6lbs!!!!!! I feel grateful for the wake-up call that is my life. And as much as I loved seeing that 198lb mark on the scale today, I have to bid it adieu too.

Back when I started blogging I was trying to lose weight and get healthier. I weighed 178lbs! That puts things into perspective for me. I was 20lbs lighter and I still thought I was fat. Boy has my head been screwed up!

All in all I am grateful. I am grateful because one day soon, when I start personal training again I can honestly say to my clients “I’ve been there” (“and there, and there, and there!”) – Oh and I’m grateful that I no longer weigh more than my husband! WooHoo!