I have been trying since the beginning of summer and I seem to be falling further and further behind since school started – especially in my workouts.
And my writing…my writing is therapy for me, and for some reason my sanity seems to be coming in third to everything else! I am working on this too – I promise!
I confess today that my mood stems from me finally getting on the scale this morning! Yep – I couldn’t take it anymore - I had to see how much weight I have gained. After trying on SIX pairs of pants this morning, my clothes are no longer just the indication that I need to cut down – they are screaming at me “I don’t fit you! Quit trying to suck in and buckle me! You are hurting me!” (No my clothes don’t talk, but I’m sure that is what they would say to me if they could!)
11 pounds – that is the result. ELEVEN freaking pounds!
I have officially fallen off the wagon and I am ashamed. I am ashamed because I know that I am a better person than the one that was looking back at me in the mirror this morning. I know that I committed and resolved to have a better body and to quit standing in my own way this year – and I can’t explain how it happened. I am ashamed and I feel like a fraud, because I preach this stuff every day –hell! I am a Certified Personal Trainer! I KNOW what it takes to keep a healthy weight – I KNOW what it takes to work hard and accomplish the impossible – I KNOW how it feels to be so self-conscious that you don’t want your husband of 18 years to see you naked!
And yet…
I lost focus…
I lost motivation…
I lost myself…
A really good virtual friend of mine MrsFatass has been asked to “audition” for ABC’s new show “the Revolution” and I hope she makes it through! Go read about it here! I want to see her every ?day on TV and watch her succeed!
The show is about busy, working parents that need to lose 50 – 100 lbs while continuing their day-to-day obligations. There is no “time-out” in this show. This show will show you that you can lose the weight while you live your busy life.
I wish I could be on this show! Just so that I could learn how to manage this objective! Fortunately, I don’t have 50-100lbs to lose (only 40 now that I have gained 11 back!), but unfortunately for the viewers, my busy schedule would be the epitome of what “busy” is and the potential to overcome any doubts that this “stuff” really works and is possible!
In my
So great in fact that I decided I would take another one on Thursday! That class was fun! I increased my weight loads, I sweat and again it felt great! Friday I had to cut my workout short to go pick Kiki up from school, so I was only able to run 3 miles.
Saturday morning I woke up and could barely move! From my shoulders to my calves – I hurt. It actually hurt to sit down and pee because my thighs were on fire! So, I didn’t get any exercise in Saturday or yesterday and I feel like crap now! I feel like crap because my clothes don’t fit – I feel like crap because I knew better!
I know better!
I was going to go to another class on my lunch break today, but I have to take Kitty to the dentist. After work is Kiki’s Cross Country practice, Kitty’s Tennis Practice and maybe I can fit in a late evening workout.
(Which I hate – I hate working out in the evenings – the late rush of adrenaline keeps me up at night – I guess I better change my perspective and attitude towards late workouts – Law of Attraction right?)
I was happiest the summer before last where I was dragging the girls out of bed at 5am and running. We would have breakfast at home and I was able to write almost every day. What changed? The girls went back to school and I have been searching for that undivided attention to myself, since.
The reality is, my schedule, my time, my life has been put on hold because the girls, Doodlebug, Mr. Strong, our home, my work and whatever else that arises comes first.
My psychoanalysis: I let it – I let it because it is a socially acceptable excuse that everyone understands and accepts without question.
There is no quick fix here – ask my still aching ass muscles!
But, I have acknowledged my problem and am working on it…
Today I write it out – in this moment I am applying therapy that I know has worked in the past.
I designed a class here locally for people that want to Learn to Run. It’s a 5k, 5 days a week for 5 weeks. It would start next Monday and end the day before a really good 5k race. I would be the instructor and the class could run the 5k as a group to show the world that they were able to find a finish line that included achieving something they never thought was possible. The timing, the concept and the weather is perfect!
There’s only one problem – I haven’t figured out how (or haven’t had time to figure out how) to build a small website where people can go to download the waivers/releases and pay. I only have this week/weekend to advertise and I can’t seem to GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY! I feel like I am not good enough and I feel like I am a fraud – because I KNOW that this will help so many people find the confidence to continue running and living a healthier lifestyle – and yet I can’t get my shit together to get it started!
The longer I delay – the less perfect the timing is – it needs to start next Monday!
I feel like the stars are aligning, the Universe is on my side and Mother Nature is telling me “it’s time” and all I can think about is that I am scared to take that first step towards a life that I know I am meant to have.
All because I gained 11 pounds.
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| Thanks to CA - I look foward to sunrises again... |
Every once in a while, everyone gets down on themselves. Life gets crazy and we all have things that come up, but don't forget to make time for yourself...take the time to watch the sun rise and set, I try to do this everyday if possible. :) I know you ARE STRONG and YOU WILL get to where you want to be.
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