I dont understand...why?

“I can’t believe that you posted pictures of yourselves! I understand that you are a very private person, so why are you doing it this way?”

To the person that asked me this question: It was VERY hard to do! By the way, do I know you? Just wondering…

The answer to your question is very easy – to ease any guilt and enforce accountability. Months before I started this endeavor with my girls, I weighed 192lbs. I told myself that it wasn’t going to be long and I was going to qualify as a Biggest Loser contestant. Still wrought with depression from losing my brother, I didn’t have any motivation to help myself. I knew that I didn’t want to go see a doctor and be prescribed depression medication (I could have just borrowed some from the vast majority that my family members had anyway), so I began researching the holistic remedies for depression. The greatest and most frequent response was exercise. Exercise creates “happy hormones” – something I seriously needed! My husband (God bless him that he is still around…) got me a gym membership and I started working out with a friend in the mornings outside too. Little by little I started to lose weight (19lbs to be exact - oh yeah, oh yeah – cabbage patch!) and I began to feel better. Then one day Kiki had a really bad day at school (she even text me crying to go pick her up early) because some of her on-again off-again girl friends at school were calling her fat. (Ok, time-out! You know when you get that raging feeling that you need to spank (I mean discipline) someone else’s kid because it is clear that they have never been punished before and has no respect for adult authority - that’s how I felt! Grrrrrr!)

Anyway, she had told Kitty about it after school, so Kitty decided to confront me that night and bluntly ask, “Mom, can we go work out with you in the morning?” Here I am searching for words that would explain the “no” that was coming and when I hesitated, she said “that is fine – never mind.” She turns around with that disappointed -I knew it smirk on her face and walked past Kiki and said “she said no” and they both headed to their room. I won’t lie, at first I was mad. WTH? Why does she have to act like her puppy just died? I felt so guilty… So naturally, I head to their room to explain that Kiki is too young to work out on the gym’s equipment; I could take Kitty, but I would have to pay each time or buy her a membership but couldn’t afford it and then what would Kiki do? (She’s the one who really needed it…) It was excuse after excuse and finally Kitty said that it wasn’t fair. Then, I got mad again, because it wasn’t fair! It wasn’t fair that I worked all day and spent the rest of my free time running them around to practices and games and whatever! Why did I feel guilty? Why couldn’t I have some time to myself – time that I desperately needed to help alleviate my depression and become a better mom to my kids!? Then it dawned on me; I don’t want to be a nicer and happier mom to unhappy children. My depression was blinding me to the fact that my girls were going through a negative and confusing time in their adolescent lives that could permanently turn them in the wrong direction. I didn’t want Kiki turning the experience of other girls calling her fat (the pediatrician had already done that!), or Kitty going through that confusing stage of puberty, to make either of them head toward binge eating or an eating disorder, because I was at the gym where they couldn’t go. So, we decided together that this (getting up early and blogging about it) was the way to go. They agreed to my time constraints, which meant early morning workouts and I promised them not to allow interferences (i.e. work). Writing about our progress for the whole world to read helps me maintain accountability. If I decided to start slacking (which is highly probable) - I have been blessed with a strong family and small friend network that will not hesitate to post on my page orders for me to get my butt up and out and back to work!

So before any orders are posted for today – my husband had a Safety meeting this morning at 6am in Odessa, so our workout is postponed for this evening! (I can’t wait to work out in the 100 degree heat – thanks hubby!) On a side note: I bought the Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred DVD that we will be incorporating into out workouts also – starting today. Sigh…

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